By Joe Leonardo
(Washington, DC) A group of cannibals are protesting outside Capitol Hill in Washington, DC today insisting tougher regulations on imported meats from Las Angeles. The protesters, named the Green Dahmers, are a New York based political group known for their avocation of recycling, creating less pollution, and eating unmodified human beings. The strike that began earlier in the week has caught the attention of law makers on the hill, and the FDA promptly released this statement, “All meat processed from Las Angeles fall within the safe toxicity levels and we assure you that the products approved by this department are safe to consume.”
The founder of the Green Dahmers, Randall Newbury, pushes for tougher regulations on growth hormones and fights to issue a ban on foreign implants the Las Angelenos use. “We can’t feed this to our children, it’s unnatural to put this in your body!” he proclaimed, “The larger male specimens test high for growth hormone and steroids while the females are mostly unnatural or heavily tenderized.” Newbury says the public will have no problem with the increased prices that new regulations will bring, as long we don’t have to continue to eat cheap fake people.
Sales in LA meat have been dropping for the past 5 years due to what consumers are saying is poor quality. An assembly line worker at the Soylent Green factory in Santa Barbara, CA talks of seeing the quality of meat drop over the recent years, “It’s not like it used to be, the meat now is just awful and the brains are getting smaller and smaller so we don’t sell to zombies like we used to.” the man who wishes to remain anonymous states, “Sales in brains have dropped over 44% over the past 2 years and this trend looks like it has no end in sight.” A spokesman for the company declined an offer to make a statement regarding these charges but insiders say a new regulation from Washington could be the final nail in the coffin for the Soylent Green company as it already struggles to maintain profits.
Public opinion is leaning on the side of the Green Dahmers as the protest continues strong into its second week. Support from all over the country, and rumors of a hunger strike, are beginning to take waning effect on the stance of the law makers against this regulatory proposal.